Are you under the impression that 50 percent of all marriages in the U.S. end in divorce? That used to be a commonly quoted statistic but as of 2005 that figure has dropped to 37 percent, this according to divorcereform.org. No doubt every one of those divorced couples said, "help me save my marriage" before finalizing their split. What are some of the steps you can be taking right now to help you save your marriage?
Help Me Save My Marriage - Step #1
The best first step forward is counseling. Couples therapy allows you and your spouse to discuss problems within a neutral context. Oft times we are so close to the situation that we lose our perspective. Even through the darkest moments there is a bond that brought you or your spouse to your marriage. Key to success is finding that bond. Couples therapy can help you with this.
Help Me Save My Marriage - Step #2
Couples counseling can be expensive and not everyone can afford it nor will everyone go. If you are seeking a solution for your marriage, critical for success is maintaining a neutral perspective. Everyone brings good and bad to relationships and sometimes we become so caught up in what is happening that we only focus on the bad. This can quickly alienate a spouse and turn the tables on healing.
Help Me Save My Marriage - Step #3
Communicating with your spouse is critical to managing a marriage. One of the greatest problems with any marriage - in fact, any relationship - is communication. The only way to really know what someone is thinking is to ask. Mind reading, while many of us do it, is dangerous and destructive. Rather than jump to conclusions we must have accurate information. Whenever we judge other people without knowing all the facts we make mistakes that are hard to undo. Judge not lest ye be judged is an excellent adage. Always ask questions in a loving and respectful manner.
Help Me Save My Marriage - Step #4
Some marriages are worth saving and others aren't. Ask yourself questions about how you feel in your marriage. Are you happy with your partner? Do you have anything in common? Many times people grow apart and it's actually better for them to part ways rather to go on in anger or hatred.
There is no doubt, however, that the best solution is consulting a neutral third party. If you're thinking "help me save my marriage" take action as soon as possible by consulting with someone or getting information on how to reconcile. You stand a 63 percent chance of success!
Friday, October 19, 2007
Thursday, October 18, 2007
Marriage Help - How to Get What You Need in Your Marriage
“You can't always get what you want But if you try sometimes you might find You get what you need”
- The Rolling Stones
How do you get what you need in your own relationship?
Here are four keys to getting what you need in your own marriage. Recognize He already loves you
He chose you. He chose to live with you, to have children with you to be sexually faithful to you. Recognizing he already loves you will allow you to communicate your needs to him without threat and with confidence.
Once you understand and accept he loves you then you will realize he wants a successful marriage with you as much as you want one with him. While he may not be wired to put the same attention into relationships you do, he is just as concerned in his own way.
Don’t Manipulate, Communicate
In order to get your own needs met you may have to do what might be a dangerous thing for you: You might have to tell him what you need and exactly when you need it.
If you’ve been married any time at all you’ve probably encountered a rough spot where all you wanted was for him to hold you. Or tell you he loved you. Or both.
But you also wanted him to do it without you asking. You wanted him to have this spontaneous feeling of love and hold you and tell you he loves you without you having to ask.
Once you accept without question that he loves you, you can ask him for what you need. If you need him to hold you, ask him. In you need to hear him say he loves you, ask him. I know, I know…on the movies the hero always knows just what to say, what to hold on to.
But we aren’t in the movies.
(If you want proof the movies are fake, think about this: when was the last time you saw a romantic movie where one of the partners farted during sex? Exactly.)
Now a cool thing is probably going to happen once you start telling your spouse when you need a hug—he’ll figure it out. He’ll figure out those times you need to be hugged or told you are loved. And he will, eventually, like a rat put into the same maze day after day, figure out how to find your love cheese.
So how do you communicate and bypass his inner cave creature?
First, assume the best. Remember he loves you so he would never knowingly say or do something just to hurt you.
Second, always remember he will learn eventually. Don’t remind him of how many times he’s messed up in the past—those were all practice—keep telling yourself he’s about to get it right.
Here’s a fill in the blank script to use when you need to let cro-magnon know he messed something up:
“I know you didn’t mean to,” see this is assuming the best—he didn’t mean to do whatever he did to hurt you, “but when you ___________________ ed, it hurt my feelings because __________________________ .”
Then shut up. See what he says, what he does. Understand he has to trust you first—this isn’t something you try in the very first day, wait until you have worked through the chapters before this. He’s got to see you as a partner, not a threat.
When you master the art of non-threatening communication, my little grasshopper, you will ready to enter the realm of wedded bliss.
Partner with Him, Not the Kids
As you work to help your man become all the man he can be, there will be times of trial. Just when you think he’s getting it, he’ll totally blow it. You’ll ask for support and he won’t get it. He’ll get you Oil of Olay for your 40th birthday.
You will be hurt, disappointed and maybe a little angry.
In times like this you may be tempted to focus on being a mommy rather than a wife. After all, the kids love you. The kids don’t give you any grief. The kids do what you want them to do.
So when hubby isn’t particularly appealing it may be tempting to put all of your attention on the kids. Letting Suzy sleep in the bed tonight will avoid that awkward sex argument. Spending all your time working for the PTA will avoid having to face the non-conversations you are not having with hubby.
It’s tempting.
But if you want to have the marriage of your dreams you can’t give in to the temptation. Your husband is going to come around, you just have to consistently remind him—in non-threatening ways—just how to fulfill your needs.
Your kids will benefit from having two parents who are in love with each other, demonstrate it openly and appropriately and can teach them by example how to have a solid relationship with another person.
But there is just one more thing you need to do to help your husband meet your needs. But be warned, it’s a little adult.
Learn Sexual Skills
I am not saying learn new acrobatic sexual tricks that will cause his head to spin with unrestrained passion. (Though if you come up with any good ideas I can pass along to my wife, let me know!)
What I am saying is you need sexual confidence. Knowing you can please your man sexually is a very powerful position. A man will do almost anything for a woman who shows she is sexually confident.
You need to focus on learning what will please your husband and providing him sexually with the things he enjoys. Why do you want to provide him sexual pleasure? Because, just like generations of women before you, you will get everything you want if you learn to please your husband sexually.
As I have said elsewhere, the way to a man’s heart is through the bedroom, not the kitchen.
Every man you know has certain fantasies and desires. So do you. Being able to fulfill his fantasies is a solid key to getting everything else you want—even your own fantasies fulfilled.
It’s worth the effort.
So how can you get what you want from your man? Remember he loves you, communicate in non-threatening ways, partner with him and practice an active sex life. These four things will get you on the right track to a successful, happy marriage.
- The Rolling Stones
How do you get what you need in your own relationship?
Here are four keys to getting what you need in your own marriage. Recognize He already loves you
He chose you. He chose to live with you, to have children with you to be sexually faithful to you. Recognizing he already loves you will allow you to communicate your needs to him without threat and with confidence.
Once you understand and accept he loves you then you will realize he wants a successful marriage with you as much as you want one with him. While he may not be wired to put the same attention into relationships you do, he is just as concerned in his own way.
Don’t Manipulate, Communicate
In order to get your own needs met you may have to do what might be a dangerous thing for you: You might have to tell him what you need and exactly when you need it.
If you’ve been married any time at all you’ve probably encountered a rough spot where all you wanted was for him to hold you. Or tell you he loved you. Or both.
But you also wanted him to do it without you asking. You wanted him to have this spontaneous feeling of love and hold you and tell you he loves you without you having to ask.
Once you accept without question that he loves you, you can ask him for what you need. If you need him to hold you, ask him. In you need to hear him say he loves you, ask him. I know, I know…on the movies the hero always knows just what to say, what to hold on to.
But we aren’t in the movies.
(If you want proof the movies are fake, think about this: when was the last time you saw a romantic movie where one of the partners farted during sex? Exactly.)
Now a cool thing is probably going to happen once you start telling your spouse when you need a hug—he’ll figure it out. He’ll figure out those times you need to be hugged or told you are loved. And he will, eventually, like a rat put into the same maze day after day, figure out how to find your love cheese.
So how do you communicate and bypass his inner cave creature?
First, assume the best. Remember he loves you so he would never knowingly say or do something just to hurt you.
Second, always remember he will learn eventually. Don’t remind him of how many times he’s messed up in the past—those were all practice—keep telling yourself he’s about to get it right.
Here’s a fill in the blank script to use when you need to let cro-magnon know he messed something up:
“I know you didn’t mean to,” see this is assuming the best—he didn’t mean to do whatever he did to hurt you, “but when you ___________________ ed, it hurt my feelings because __________________________ .”
Then shut up. See what he says, what he does. Understand he has to trust you first—this isn’t something you try in the very first day, wait until you have worked through the chapters before this. He’s got to see you as a partner, not a threat.
When you master the art of non-threatening communication, my little grasshopper, you will ready to enter the realm of wedded bliss.
Partner with Him, Not the Kids
As you work to help your man become all the man he can be, there will be times of trial. Just when you think he’s getting it, he’ll totally blow it. You’ll ask for support and he won’t get it. He’ll get you Oil of Olay for your 40th birthday.
You will be hurt, disappointed and maybe a little angry.
In times like this you may be tempted to focus on being a mommy rather than a wife. After all, the kids love you. The kids don’t give you any grief. The kids do what you want them to do.
So when hubby isn’t particularly appealing it may be tempting to put all of your attention on the kids. Letting Suzy sleep in the bed tonight will avoid that awkward sex argument. Spending all your time working for the PTA will avoid having to face the non-conversations you are not having with hubby.
It’s tempting.
But if you want to have the marriage of your dreams you can’t give in to the temptation. Your husband is going to come around, you just have to consistently remind him—in non-threatening ways—just how to fulfill your needs.
Your kids will benefit from having two parents who are in love with each other, demonstrate it openly and appropriately and can teach them by example how to have a solid relationship with another person.
But there is just one more thing you need to do to help your husband meet your needs. But be warned, it’s a little adult.
Learn Sexual Skills
I am not saying learn new acrobatic sexual tricks that will cause his head to spin with unrestrained passion. (Though if you come up with any good ideas I can pass along to my wife, let me know!)
What I am saying is you need sexual confidence. Knowing you can please your man sexually is a very powerful position. A man will do almost anything for a woman who shows she is sexually confident.
You need to focus on learning what will please your husband and providing him sexually with the things he enjoys. Why do you want to provide him sexual pleasure? Because, just like generations of women before you, you will get everything you want if you learn to please your husband sexually.
As I have said elsewhere, the way to a man’s heart is through the bedroom, not the kitchen.
Every man you know has certain fantasies and desires. So do you. Being able to fulfill his fantasies is a solid key to getting everything else you want—even your own fantasies fulfilled.
It’s worth the effort.
So how can you get what you want from your man? Remember he loves you, communicate in non-threatening ways, partner with him and practice an active sex life. These four things will get you on the right track to a successful, happy marriage.
Sunday, October 14, 2007
Cheating Spouses
Cheating spouses provide much of the work and income of most private investigators, and every PI has developed his list of "tell tale signs of a cheating spouse."
Here's a list derived (with permission) from articles by private detectives Bob Brown and Edmund J. Pankau, and female private detective Victoria Frelow of Scotland Yard Investigations (no, it's not that Scotland Yard).
Note that though I've phrased these points in terms of the husband as the cheater, most also apply when it's the wife who's cheating.
From Bob Brown --
Here's a list derived (with permission) from articles by private detectives Bob Brown and Edmund J. Pankau, and female private detective Victoria Frelow of Scotland Yard Investigations (no, it's not that Scotland Yard).
Note that though I've phrased these points in terms of the husband as the cheater, most also apply when it's the wife who's cheating.
From Bob Brown --
- At the beginning of an affair, the husband may actually be more affectionate than usual due to guilt feelings.
- Later, after the affair has been going on awhile, he often starts finding fault with the wife as a defensive mechanism (i.e., to justify the affair in his mind).
- Cheating husbands often lose interest in domestic activities, such as spending time with the kids, fixing up the house, lawn care, etc.
- Cheating husbands may have a change in sexuality (i.e., more sex, less sex) as well as unexplained sexual requests.
- The cheater's relationship with his family will almost always change, that is, he will tend to become more distant, cold, or fault-finding (i.e., he starts to blame the family, especially the wife, for his behavior).
- Financial changes may become noticeable. The wife may notice unexplained credit card charges or withdrawals from the family's checking account.
- Grooming habits change. A cheating husband may buy a new wardrobe or a lot of new clothes, or may just suddenly start to become more attentive to his personal appearance. The wife may notice frequent bathing, more careful grooming, a new cologne, a new exercise program, etc.
- Physical clues to the affair may start appearing, such as lipstick on shirt collars, perfume odors on shirts or jackets, secretion stains on underwear. Or the wife may discover pieces of paper with notes or phone numbers, unexplained match books, receipts, condoms, etc.
- The husband's driving pattern may change. The wife may find the car needs gas more often than before or she may monitor the car's odometer and find the husband is putting a lot of unexplained miles on the car. Brown recommends that suspicious wives keep track of the mileage on their husband's car and even monitor the time they leave for work and the time they come home. "Keep a calendar and note the times," he says. "This should help establish a pattern. If your mate claims to be working late, check paycheck stubs to verify this overtime."
- On occasion, the wife may notice her husband whispering into the phone. He may look alarmed when he sees her observing him and may hang up suddenly. There may be abrupt hang ups when she answers the phone herself. (Want to know who called? If you have touch tone dialing in most parts of the U.S. you can dial *69 to get the number.)
- The wife may find unexplained, repetitive charges on her husband's mobile phone bill. Often these will be calls her husband made right after leaving home in the morning and right before coming home in the evening. According to Brown and most other PI's, the mobile telephone bill is one of the best ways to catch a cheating husband. The reason is that the bill for mobile services lists every single call made (unlike a bill for conventional phone services, which list only long distance charges). Thus, if you suspect your husband is cheating, and he doesn't have a mobile phone, it wouldn't be a bad idea to buy him one.
Because of the escalation of cheating spouses and partners, people (possibly you) need tools to help save what they have left of a marriage and to help mend the relationship. Here are some possible tools for you to choose from. I will be posting more every once in a while, but these are the main ones. If you are on here and are having problems with your relationship, please remember that your marriage IS a relationship; some compromise from BOTH sides needs to be taken. Don’t be scared to talk about your feelings and don’t be scared to say, “I’m Sorry.” You married this person for a reason; take a weekend with them to remember those reasons. ABOVE ALL ELSE: LISTEN. These tools won’t fix the problem, but they will get you started on the right track.
This will provide Strategies And Resources To Break Free From The Affair In A Marriage.
Break free from the affair
Save your marriage
Save my marriage
Bring back a lost love into your life
Bring back a lost love
romantic guide to popping the question
popping the question
Break free from the affair
Save your marriage
Save my marriage
Bring back a lost love into your life
Bring back a lost love
romantic guide to popping the question
popping the question
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